It is 1am.
I think I am losing my mind.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have walked by the front window to see if your car was in my driveway.
My constant checking of your social media pages has become obsessive.
My work is suffering. My mind wanders too much.
I’ve been able to get to the gym, and even the beach, on most days. But not all. Sometimes all I can do is lie down on my bed and try to embrace the overwhelming emotions within me. Then I check the window again, followed by my phone.
Keep in mind, this is all during the day time. The nights are worse. Far worse.
At least during the day I can attempt to keep myself occupied. At night I have nothing to do was stare off into the darkness, thinking.
I am thinking about us. How happy we made each other. How close we got. How we thought and believed we were each other’s safe places. How we loved each other.
I am thinking about you. How you gave me confidence, happiness, and serenity.
I am thinking about how that is all gone now.
What did I do to deserve this? The physical ache and hurt inside my body never ceases to pain me or amaze me. Aren’t you feeling this too?
You can’t be feeling this. At least not to the extent I am. How could you be? It was your decision to leave. You decided we were not worth fighting for. That I wasn’t worth fighting for.
Yet, I see what you’ve been liking and sharing online. The sad quotes and memes. It makes me think you feel as I do. But that’s not possible.
You act like you lost me. You didn’t. I lost you. You threw me away.
I get frustrated and angry when I think about this. All of what I am feeling is your fault. But I see no remorse. No signs of sorrow for how you made someone you supposedly loved feel so damaged. Instead, you seem to cast yourself as the victim.
A victim who has been going out to party, spending time with other men, celebrating your newfound freedom. While, here I am. It’s 2am and I am awake in bed. Hurting. Where are you?
Everyone I have spoken to has told me I deserve better. But I love you.
I’ve found someone to talk to. Professionally, I mean. Just like you said I should. He reassured me that I did try at the end. That may have been too late for you. But at least I tried. Maybe your lost and unsure of what you want. I wanted to be the one to help you and hold your hand. You just didn’t want me.
Maybe your new friend can help you. I doubt it.
I feel sleep creeping into my mind. I want to just let go and have it envelop me. But even sleep isn’t safe for me. I have been dreaming about you. Every night. Sometimes it is a good dream and we are together, which only makes me sad when I wake up. Other times, it is a bad dream where I lose you, which still makes me sad when I wake up. I’m not sure which is worse. At least the dreams end. Reality doesn’t.
I should unfriend and unfollow you. Everywhere. Remove all contact. But that doesn’t seem possible right now. I’ll think about it tomorrow morning.
I’m beginning to feel exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I want all this pain and the mixed emotions to go away. But I am also scared of that. Scared, because it would mean that I was over you. I know I need to get there, but part of me doesn’t want to let go.
I don’t want to think about this anymore.
“Goodnight. I love you.”, I whisper to no one.
I let out a deep breath, and drift away.