The following post concerns a topic that has been highly contested among girls and boys, men and women for quite some time. I will be discussing what I feel to be the truth about the relationship (or lack there-of) between girls and the ‘nice guys’ that never quite seem to get the upper hand.
For starters, let’s just go over what the issue is. The basic sentiment is that girls never pick the nice guys, but instead go for the assholes (if you’d excuse my language). Then the girls go on to complain about how they can’t find a good guy to take care of them. Guys, upon hearing this, become upset because they know they’re good guys but usually end up ‘friend-zoned’ with no way of escape. Because of this, girls are stupid for creating assholes out of the good guys who are just looking for a way to compete and get the girl of their dreams. I believe that about sums it up.
I’m not going to lie, but I have supported this “girls don’t know what’s best for them” theory for a long time. Recently, however, after long hours of contemplation during showers, commute to school, laundry, cooking, eating, etc (what can I say, I’m a renaissance man), I’ve realized its not entirely the girl’s fault. I say entirely, because there is enough blame for boys and girls, not just one or the other.
Firstly, there are actual biological reasons why girl’s may go for the “bad” guy. He usually comes off as a strong individual; usually in decent shape, arrogant, opinionated, prior experience with women. Being in good shape and arrogant mean that he is healthy and confident. Who wouldn’t be attracted to such an individual? Subconsciously, women want protection for both themselves and their offspring, so a strong and confident male fits the bill. In today’s society, prior experience with women usually means he is a wanted item and is comfortable around women.
Secondly, there is attraction. This has a lot to do with the first reason. Usually the “bad” guys are pretty easy on the eyes. It may be this awareness of their own attraction that makes these guys turn into cocky so-and-sos, or at least part of it (sometimes a guy is just an asshole). Side note: none of this is too say that there aren’t any good looking dudes who aren’t also genuinely good guys, they can just be harder to find. Girls want to be with an attractive guy (duh), just like guys want to be with an attractive girl. Does it always work out for either one? Of course not.
Let’s just get straight to it. The guys who complain mostly about this issue are guys who do’t rank all too high on the attractive scale, if you know what I mean. They’re upset because they feel the beautiful girl that they invested their emotions in is not returning those emotions because she’s shallow and too stupid to see the “good” guy right in front of her (usually friend-zoned). I supported this fully, until recently when I finally came to terms with what I feel to be the simple truth.
People, men and women, don’t want to settle for less. This is why guys want that gorgeous girl, while that gorgeous girl wants a gorgeous guy. This leads to the said girl denying the not-so-gorgeous guys the privilege of being with her. We all want to do the best we can for ourselves.
Let’s put it another way. Say your a slightly less than average to average looking guy. There is this girl who is everything you were ever looking for in the opposite sex; beautiful, funny, smart, kind, etc, etc. You approach her, tell her how you feel and/or ask her out. She answers with some variation of “sorry, just want to be friends”. A highly common form of denial. Now you could go home and sulk and think that she’s the one missing out (which could be true) or realize that you’re really the one missing out because she is so great. I’m not going to say there are a lot of fish in the sea, etc because odds are you’ve heard it enough times to make your ears bleed. Instead, I will pose another scenario:
Say sometime around this time a less than average to average girl approached you and flirted with you and such. You think she’s nice and ok looking but nothing overwhelmingly special. Do you ask her out? The answer, NO. Why? Because you think you can do better. Even if it turns out that she’s a sweetheart and a wonderful person to hang out with, you will not be interested.
So what makes that different to what girls are doing to guys? There is no real difference. Hot girls can be bitches just as much as hot guys can be assholes. You wouldn’t ask out the girl who was nice but not too attractive just like the hot girl you asked out doesn’t want to go out with you. We are all the same, we want to be with people who are attractive and nice. Not nice and attractive. No matter what we say, that’s how it is and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I like to think I’m real. I like to think I can think realistically and practically. As such, I know I don’t rank all too high on the attraction scale. I do know I’m a decent guy, can be fun to be around, intelligent, can cook/clean, and take care of myself. Does this make me arrogant? No, it just means I have some sense of what my good characteristics are. Does it suck that there isn’t a high volume of girls that realize this and can get over some not-so-good traits (not highly attractive, a little shy when it comes to dancing, etc, etc)? Hell yeah it does. But I realized that there is no point in making girls out to be stupid. Do they make mistakes? Yes. Don’t we all? Yes. It’s just that girls vocalize that they know they’re mistakes but make them anyways, while guys don’t really complain about wanting a “good” girl.
Saying that “I’m too good for her, anyways” may be true in some cases, but not all. The simple, painful fact-of-the-matter is that you simply aren’t what she is looking for at that time (or ever, in some cases). You just aren’t good enough. Now, you can either think I’m an asshole for telling anyone that, but let’s take it from a more positive approach. When you try out for a sports team, but don’t make it, what is the reason? You aren’t good enough. When you don’t get that job you interviewed for, what is the reason? You aren’t what they are looking for and/or you aren’t good enough. What do you do in these cases? You bust your ass to get better at that sport, or try to learn new skills to add to your resume. Think of being denied by women to be the same.
When a girl says she doesn’t want to go out with you, it means you aren’t what she’s looking for and/or aren’t good enough for her. What you should do is go out there and become better. Not necessarily to impress her, but to become more confident in yourself. If you’re out of shape, work out. If you aren’t too attractive, work out and wear nicer clothes (not expensive, just dress like you actually care, put some cologne on, etc.). By doing these things to make yourself “good enough”, you’re making yourself a better man. You don’t have to become an asshole. But there is nothing wrong with being confident in yourself. This isn’t to say that by doing all these things you will win the attention of the girl you first asked out, but the chances of other girls who you would be interested in would rise very highly.
The moral of this long, drawn out post is that guys and girls want what they think is best for them. What the ones who get rejected don’t realize is that they would do the same thing in a similar situation. The key is not to sulk and rant about how girls are all stupid sluts because they don’t want a nice guy for the reason he isn’t hot. The key is to work your ass off to become the best person you can be. Not just the best person, but the best YOU. Be confident and proud in who you are. Once you reach that point and get rejected, its obvious that you aren’t right for each other.
Being denied hurts. Its like a slap in the face when you’re basically being told you aren’t wanted, aren’t good enough. How to remedy it? Focus on yourself, improve yourself continuously. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, make yourself known for positive reasons. Don’t ever think you have to settle because you aren’t good enough. Basically, focus on being good enough for yourself.
Feel free to comment!
I don’t think you should have to work out, buy nice clothes or wear cologne just to get a girl to like you, regardless of how attractive you may be. Focusing on how you look is not the right approach to get a girl who actually likes you for you. I agree that you can still try to focus on bettering yourself. If you work out your motive shouldn’t be so girls will like you. If a girl dated you only because you could lift more weight and your muscle’s look a little bigger, is that the kind of girl you want to date? If your answer is yes then you are probably just as shallow as the girl who looks for guys with big muscles to date. Your motive should be to just become healthier and be a better person. I also think that “You just aren’t good enough” is way too harsh. If not smelling good enough or being big or tone enough or not wearing nice enough clothing is what is making you “just not good enough” for a girl you really need to reconsider what kind of girls you are going after. I consider myself to be one of the nice guys. All I do is be myself, if a girl likes you for who you are without trying to hard to impress her you know you have a keeper. That’s what I do and I have a lovely girlfriend who I can just totally be myself with. Okay one last thing. One of the reasons I believe a lot of the nice guys get friend zoned is because they never actually let their intentions be known to the girl they like. You can’t just be super nice and act like a girl’s friend for a couple of months and gain her trust and friendship and then expect to not get friend-zoned. You have to have some balls and flirt with her and actually ask her on dates early on before she even has the chance to friend-zone you. Of course some best friends do end up dating but I think it is safe to say that is not usually the case. Okay, rant over.
Your second point is excellent. Something I didn’t even think to write. Guys should be more upfront in the beginning.
With regards to working out, dressing nice, and smelling nice, those are all things that I believe all men should do.
Not to impress a girl, but to begin confident in themselves. Working out makes you healthier, I don’t mean get jacked. Wearing nice clothes (fit well, stylish, etc) and a decent cologne/deodorant can make you feel a lot better walking out of the house instead of just some sweatpants. These things combined lead to a greater self-image and confidence which, in return, gets girls’ attentions.
I understand what you are saying. But yeah maybe wearing a nice cologne here and there will boost your confidence every now and then, but you shouldn’t have to use it just to be confident in yourself. Cologne and clothes can only boost your confidence so much (I do enjoy buying a new cologne and new clothes don’t get me wrong) But after a while wearing the same clothes and cologne isn’t going to have the same boost it did when you first got them. They will get old in a hurry and you will be back to square one. What I am trying to say is you should be confident in yourself regardless of what cologne or clothes you are wearing. They do help a little, but you shouldn’t depend on them.
Real confidence stems from being confident in yourself as a person, with your personality and who you are.
That is how you become confident. Sometimes, though, people need that extra boost like working out and getting a decent body to become confident. If you are already confident, then you’re set. However, most of the guys who get denied, or friend zoned, need that confidence.
That is why “upgrading” your appearance can be that extra boost to feel good about yourself. Improving yourself isn’t confined to just appearance, it could be learning new skills, improving old ones.
Oh well then maybe you shouldn’t just have talked about appearance in your article and mentioned learning new skills, improving old ones, etc. However, what if someone follows your advice, works out, has a great smelling cologne, just learned how to cook some great meals, the whole nine yards. Isn’t getting rejected this time around going to crush them even more? Because now they tried their best and still was rejected. That’s why I think it isn’t a matter of trying to just upgrade yourself. It is just a matter of waiting for the right girl to come along to like you for you and when that time comes you being confident enough in yourself to work up the courage to talk and work your magic with the girl.
Which is why I said if you’ve done all that and still get rejected by a girl, then it would never have worked out. If you’re not trying to improve yourself, and get rejected it sucks but it may very well be because you aren’t trying to reach full potential. If you’re well on that path and get rejected, then you know that girl just isn’t in to who you are so find someone who is.
If you get rejected in the first place I really don’t think it has anything to do with reaching “full potential”. If the girl doesn’t like you then oh well you get over it move on. Yeah the reason the girl didn’t like you might be because of how you look or your clothes but if these are the reasons then obviously you already know this girl probably wasnt anything special anyways if that was her criteria. Now if it was because of something not related to appearance, then you also know it it wasn’t meant to be because you two just don’t match. It has nothing to do with being “good enough” for someone. If a girl liked me and I didn’t like her it isn’t because she isn’t good enough. That is something that will ruin someones confidence. She just may be someone that doesn’t fit with my personality. In my opinion, I am good enough for every girl. If she doesn’t see it that way, I’m not going to sulk about it start working out buy cologne or learn a new skill just to impress the next girl. Fuck that. I’m not going to go out of my way to impress some future girl who knows nothing about me. I will, however, go out of my way to impress a girl who likes me for who i am. I’l try and reach full potential for a girl who I know already likes me because she is the girl who deserves me at my best.
You’re missing the point. If a girl denies you, its because you aren’t what she’s looking for. Say its because you aren’t social enough. You realize that you aren’t enough of a social person, maybe too shy for her. What you shouldnt do is get depressed about not being up to her standards. What you should do is look to see if maybe there is room for improvement. There usually always is, so you decide to set out and become less shy. Now, you should do this not for that particular girl, but because becoming a little more outgoing is a good and sometimes necessary thing in society. You try to make positives out of the negatives. You are focusing too much on the clothes and cologne when those were just examples. If she denies you because you aren’t jacked, you shouldn’t go and get jacked. What I’m saying is look to see if you can get in better shape. Improve yourself as much as possible and you’ll attract more girls. Instead of waiting for the right girl, do these things to find her yourself
Maybe I got a little carried away about the cologne and working out bit, but maybe it is because you dedicated a whole paragraph saying how wearing cologne and nicer clothes will make yourself “good enough” and I just think that idea is ridiculous. However, I totally agree with the idea of improving yourself. The motivation shouldn’t be to get girls to like you; being a better person should be your motivation. But I think there really is only a certain degree to which you can “better yourself”. In your example you used someone isn’t social enough. Yes I agree that you could try and be more social, but sometimes people are just naturally shy and they can’t do anything about it as hard as they try. You can try to improve what you feel are your negatives but sometimes there is just not much we can do. For example, maybe you don’t rank to high on the attractive scale. You just have to learn to accept that these are the cards you were dealt with and to just be proud and confident of what you were given. So I guess you have to find the right balance of improving things only YOU deem appropriate to improve, not things just to impress girls, and just accepting things you can’t change and not being ashamed or embarrassed by who you are.
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